I know I haven’t written to you in a while, but honestly I’ve been incredibly busy this month. Between helping out at camp for two weeks, managing our own vacation Bible school, and all the other things that happened this last month, I’m surprised I made it to September in one piece.
I wish I could tell you that everything went well and that I’m in a good place and that I’m happy. But the truth is much more complicated than that. Sure, I made some new friends (and a possible romantic connection) this month, but it came at the cost of not having a break since the last month ended. I worked every single day in August with little to no time for myself. And you know what Alice? I’m still tired from it all.
Four weeks of non-stop work mess with a person’s head. One of the Sunday’s that I was able to sit down and breathe for more than 5 minutes, I started to feel this deep sadness. It was as if I was mourning a life that I never had or an Alex that never existed. I started to think about what my life would look like if I never went into ministry and instead came out earlier and lived as an openly queer person in Puerto Rico. Would I be happy then? Would I have found love? Would I have found meaning?
Of course there’s no way to answer those questions, but they made me sad because, the truth is, I’m not happy. I’m in a very non-affirming environment and I spend so much energy hiding who I am that I’m constantly tired. On the flip side, I’m in a position where I can help so many people. But do I help them and lose myself in the process?
One of the songs that really connected with me during this time was from the musical Gypsy. The final song, Rose’s Turn, really made me think. “Someone tell me when is it my turn? Don’t I get a dream for myself?” Honestly, I really felt that. Do I get to dream for myself and not for others? Do I get to live or am I destined to just waste away while helping others live?
I know that if I ask my seminary friends they’ll opt for the latter of the options. We were taught “others first always.” But that’s not healthy…right? I don’t know anymore.
Anyway, there’s somethings I need to take care of today so I think I’ll end this letter here. Hope you are well dear friend.