It’s getting increasingly harder to not be sad or angry all the time. Happiness feels like a mask I’m wearing. It’s like its someone else living through me; someone who is happy, someone who believes in what they say, someone who is capable of being loved.
I don’t know how I feel anymore. I don’t understand why I can’t just leave. I don’t get it. I know you don’t have the answers cause if you did you would tell me. But you’re not even real are you Alice?
Perhaps I just need to accept that this is my life now. Accept the fact that I’m just a shell of a person. Accept that happiness is just not what I’m meant for. I sound so dramatic. I guess I’m exaggerating a bit. Honestly I don’t know anymore.
Anyway, I’m angry and I’m sad because I thought I had a way out but the door closed right in front of me. And what did I do? I smiled. I said “I’m happy for you.” I swallowed the knot in my throat and just kept moving. Because that’s all I know how to do. Fake a smile, say what’s expected of me, and do the next thing. I’m running out of next things to do.
I’ll talk to you soon. I gotta get back to work.