This letter isn’t so much for you as it is for them. For all the boys I once loved and still love to a certain degree.
Sure, this might be a crossover between Ariana Grande’s “thank u next” and “To All the Boys I Loved Before” with an extra layer of melancholy, but I think sometimes it’s necessary to reminisce on these things.
To Juan: I know I scared you with my feelings; honestly I scared myself a little bit. It was all too much and my heart went faster than my brain. I dreamed of things that would never happen between you and me, and forced a friendship that was never meant to be. I’m sorry you had to be my first love, especially because I wasn’t ready to love someone who didn’t love me back.
To Steven: Every day I wonder what life would be like if we’d ended up together, or if we’d still be friends. I’m sorry for how things went down, I wish things were different. I hope that, wherever you are, you’re happy.
To Carson: I think we tried too hard to be more than just friends, and we weren’t meant to be lovers. But hey, at least we were meant to be friends and best friends at that. Thank you for that short moment and for the moment we now live in.
To Eric: I don’t know how it all went so sour so fast. I’m not sure if it was me or if it was you or if it was the moment surrounding our brief friendship and one-sided love story. Whatever it was, I wish I could go back and change it. I hope you’re well and that you’re thriving.
To David & Austin: I wish we had more time. I wish we could’ve been more. But time and distance (and an international boarder) made things impossible for us. I’ll always wonder what we could’ve been had we had more time. But for now, I’m glad we’re friends.
To Chris: Thank you. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Thank you for seeing the good in me and seeing something in me. Sure, we were probably an illicit affair, but it was fun and I loved every second of it. I wish we had more time, but the time we had was magical. I hope you find peace.
To Manny: I’m sorry for how things ended. I’m sorry that I sad so many things and made so many promises that I failed to keep. I wish things could be different, but I think it’s better this way. Maybe one day down the road our paths will cross again. I hope they do.
To all of you: thank you for being a part of my life. I will carry you all with me always.
Now, Alice, I think it’s time for me to be alone for a while. Relationships are hard and I need to grow a little more before I’m ready for one. I know one day I’ll be ready, but for now I think I’ll just focus on being me.
And to all the boys I say this: in the words of Taylor Swift, “it would’ve been fun, if you would’ve been the one”