Dear Alice,

Do you ever feel so empty that you feel bottomless? As if there’s nothing in the world that could ever fill this pit within yourself because it just goes on and on and on forever. Well, that’s how I feel right now.

I can’t exactly say why, but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that I am completely and utterly alone. I have very few friends in this area, none of whom are ever available to hang out or talk for more than 5 minutes. There’s no “special someone” in my life, and if there were even prospects of someone, they’d have to be kept a secret. No one should be a secret.

I wonder why I let part of myself be secret. Why I must hide my identity from the world as if it were some unsightly thing that would scare people away. Perhaps it is, but I hope it is not.

I recently tried to take back a piece of myself. Something that was taken from me long ago; and I did manage to do so. But by taking back this piece of myself and letting go of the chains, I seem to have emptied myself far too much, because I feel bottomless. So empty that not even the depths of the universe could fill.

I wonder what it feels like to be full. To be so full of something that you feel like bursting. What do people fill themselves with? Perhaps love is the best answer, but what even is love? I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced it. To be loved must be beautiful, and to love must be electric.

I don’t know, Alice, things were looking up and now they’re looking down again. I guess that’s just how life works. One day you’re at the top of the hill, and the next you’re at the bottom of the world. All I know is that, at least for today, I am bottomless.

Love,

Alex