I just finished watching a new series on Netflix called Heatstopper. It’s this really cute love story between two boys in high school. Honestly, watching it made me feel happy, happier than I’ve felt in some time. But it’s also made me feel quite sad and melancholic.
Why do I feel sad? Well, because the story has a happy ending. I think I should be happy it ends in a positive note; I mean, it’s not every day that we get a story about queer joy and love and just fluffy happiness. But that makes me feel just bad about myself. What if I never get a happy ending? What if I’m just stuck with a bad beginning and a mediocre middle? I’m sure life has more to offer than what I’m currently living in, at least I hope it does.
I’ve also made a big decision recently. After conversation with my counselor and with my mother (yes, I talk to my mom a lot. Sue me.) I’ve decided to quit my job in October. Just in time for my birthday. It’s scary really, the prospect of starting again almost from scratch, but I have a good feeling this time.
I think a new start is just what I need. I need to rediscover who I am and who I’m meant to be. I thought I had it all figured out, but it turns out I actually don’t. And thinking about that is terrifying. What if I mess it up again? What if I have to start again when I’m 36 and have less prospects than I have now? I feel like you’re supposed to figure things out in your twenties, but I guess that’s not always the case.
I at least figured I’d be happy by now. Not necessarily a happy ending, but at least having a bigger picture as to what my life would look like in the future. I don’t know, I guess I’m just meant to go with the flow of things.
I might move again this year. I’m supposed to get a call later this week to let me know whether or not I am. I hope that I am, it’ll make the job transition easier if I am. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to leave this church. I’ve grown to love these people. And I think they’ve grown to love me too, even if they have a weird way of showing it.
I don’t know, Alice, I’m in a weird place right now. I wish you were a real person so I could come visit you. Perhaps a retreat of sorts is exactly what I need. To get away from everything, just me and my thoughts and my books. That sounds nice.
I’ll talk to you again soon, my friend.