Today was supposed to be a good day. I got a call that I’m moving back home. I’ll be closer to my family than I’ve been in many years. And I was so happy to hear that and to know that I would finally have a support system close by. But all of that turned sour so quickly.
I knew this organization (I hesitate calling it a church) was homophobic. I knew they weren’t the best place for me. But it wasn’t until today that that fact became very clear to me. Could you believe that I’m apparently on probation? And nobody told me about it.
I’ve given my all and my best to this organization. I’ve been a part of it my whole life. I’ve defended this organization and claimed that they’re good people, even if the system is flawed. I thought I was gonna be the one to change them for the better. But I see now that all that was just foolish. The dreams of a young stupid boy who didn’t want to see them for what they truly were. And now look at me. 25 and stuck. 25 and absolutely heartbroken over this.
Because I never thought they would treat me like this. But I see how it is now. I see how they see me. And what did I do that was so horrible, so bad that I’m merited a probation period? I shared affirming content. I posted on my little corner of the internet that queer people are loved by God. I tried to share the Good News.
Sure, other people in this organization can share racist and homophobic content, content that actively hurts others, and no one says anything. But when I share the fact that queer people might be good and holy, I’m the bad guy. Well, I guess I’m gonna be the bad guy forever.
I’m angry. I’m sad. My heart hurts. I can’t sleep. And I just want it all to stop. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I think I’m just gonna end this letter here.