Dear Alice,

I finally made it to Puerto Rico! It’s been a long time coming, but I finally made it to where I wanted to be. Honestly I think I should feel happier than I actually do. I mean, I got what I wanted right?

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Hindsight is more a curse than it is a blessing. If I’m being honest with myself, and with you, I miss New York. Sure, I didn’t have much there, but I had a nice life out on my own. I could do anything, go anywhere, be anyone I wanted to because I had no precedent. Now, I have history, reputation, legacies to protect and uphold.

I missed this community and this life, but now that I have it again, I guess it’s not what I imagined it to be. I miss my friends in New York. I miss the cool morning air and the sounds of the highway out of my window. I miss my small apartments (did I mention I have a huge house now?), and I miss going up and down flights of stairs with groceries.

I know this is only temporary, and that I will get used to living here again, but everything feels so foreign to me. I was only gone for five years, yet it feels like I was gone for centuries. Everything is different, everyone is different, yet I feel the same.

Makes me think of that one Taylor Swift song “right where you left me.”

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it
She’s still 23 inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be

I feel like that character. Stuck in time, waiting for something to happen that will probably never happen. Waiting for the past to change so that my right now transforms into something better.

But I know that’s not how it works. Nothing will change unless I make better choices now. Because I can’t change the past, and I can’t control what happens next. All I can do is try to be better today.

But what does it mean to be better? Is it being a better person? A better Christian? How do I become a better me?

I don’t know, Alice. I guess I just have to keep trying until I find the answer, even if the answer brings more questions.

On the bright side, now that my internet doesn’t block my access to this website, I can write to you more often! So I hope that I can write more letters to you soon. I like writing to you, even if you’re just a voiceless internet website.

Talk to you soon, friend.

Love,
Alex