I finally did it. I wrote and sent my resignation letter. In a year’s time, I will no longer be a pastor. I will no longer be affiliated to the people who have hurt me so much. I should feel happy. I should feel like a weight has lifted from my spirit, but I don’t. Not because I feel like I’m making a mistake, which I’m not, but because having to reinvent myself is scary.
When I left Puerto Rico for the first time, I was running away. Not from a future or from a people, but from myself. I ran away from everything that made me, well, me, and I ran to something that I thought was better. I was wrong. It wasn’t better.
Now that I’m back and that I’m beginning to rediscover who I was and who I could’ve become, I’m scared of having to rebuild. I’m scared that I won’t like who I become. But I guess that’s how life works. Change is scary. Living is scary. But the possibility for good is so big that it should cover for the fear. But because all of this is so recent, I guess that reality hasn’t clicked in my head yet.
I will say, I’m happy I did it. I’m happy I made this choice and that I made it now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think that the next chapter in my journey will be a good one. I hope that, whoever I become, I’m happy. That’s all I want. To be happy.
Tomorrow will be scary. I don’t know when, or if, my email will receive a reply. But all tomorrows are scary, and I have lived through so many uncertain tomorrows that I know what to expect.
So tomorrow I’ll do what I always do. I’ll get up in the morning, pet my cats, and I’ll figure it out. One day at a time, one step at a time, slowly but surely. I’ve learned that courage is not facing fear, but recognizing that I’m afraid and showing up anyway. So tomorrow I will show up. No matter what happens.
It would seem, dear Alice, that our relationship will be made even more public soon. Maybe once people ready my letters, they’ll know the truth of what I’ve experienced. And once they do, I hope they learn and grow, so that it doesn’t happen again.
Here’s to tomorrows and whatever they bring.