Dear Alice,

Guess where I’ve been theses last couple of days? Outpatient Clinical Therapy. Every day, I go to the local psychiatric hospital, leave my phone behind, and enter into intensive outpatient therapy with a bunch of people who are in a similar journey as mine. We talk about healthy ways to cope, our struggles, and the things we know to be true about ourselves. It’s very wonderful. I even made friends!

This process has helped me realize many things. First of all: my workplace is a little abusive. So much is expected of people in my position with very little tools provided for us. We’re set up to fail and we are blamed for our shortcomings as if they were completely our fault. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very much aware that we (speaking for people in my position) are not perfect, we’re human after all, but to be blamed for failures that happen because of lack of tools is not right at all.

The second thing I learned was that work is the main cause for most of my issues. Due to the constant pressure I feel to attain a level of performance that’s (if I’m being blunt) really flipping impossible to attain, my body and mind have fallen out of alignment. My insides are at war with each other, which has caused me a myriad of health issues. These issues aren’t just of the mental health capacity (though those are harder to identify and treat) but also of the physical capacity. Did you know that depression can cause (or worsen) hypertension (something that I have had to deal with since I was 18)? How about diabetes (something I was recently diagnosed with)?

It’s interesting to see how the mind and the body coexist and cooperate with each other. How a disease (depression) that exists in the mind can deeply affect what happens in the body. How our inner self is deeply linked to our outer self. To me, these inner workings of humanity hint to our divinity. We are divine in nature, both our bodies and our minds. We contain multitudes. And as multitudes do, they sometimes fight. The multitudes of our minds fight with the multitudes of our bodies. Or at least that’s what it feels like.

War is being waged inside of me, but there is a hope for peace. If I learn how to care for my mind and my body, if I unlock the secret to aligning them once again, then the turbulent waters of my multitudes will transform into a calm lake, or at least a steady river. There is light in the darkness.

As I drove to my parents’ house where I’m staying while in OCT, I thought about the sisterhood of light and darkness. One cannot exist without the other. Light without darkness is blindness, darkness without light is consuming. I think God gave us the gift of darkness so that we could grow, and then gave us light so that we can flourish. I might be in my darkness right now, but I am growing, day is dawning, and I hope for the day where my flourishing comes. For now, however, I focus on growth, transformation, and the inner self. Healing in the darkness so that I can shine in the light.

Anyhow, I think that’s enough philosophy for now, better rest up for tomorrow. Hope you are well, friend.

Love,

Alex