I know its been a while since I’ve written you a letter, but I’ve been really busy these past couple of weeks. Soon enough, though, I won’t be busy at all. The time has finally come for my relationship with my current employer to end. I have a meeting next Monday to discuss my resignation letter (you know the one right?) and I hope to tell them that I will be leaving come December.
It feels bittersweet. Yes, I am gaining freedom and I can finally be who I want to be, but at the same time, I am left with nothing but medical bills from mental health professionals and a pill organizer full of antidepressants that I have to take every day. It’s not easy being mentally ill, but it’s harder to be depressed without health insurance.
I know better days are coming. Days when I feel better and not as unhappy as I felt before. Days where I can give my all to a good job, a job I actually enjoy, and not sit in my office pretending to work just so people don’t bother me. Did you know that my issues with concentrating aren’t caused by ADHD but by genuine disinterest in what I currently devote my time to? Because I certainly didn’t. I thought my brain was just wired differently, but it turns out it just hates being forced to work for an organization that I don’t believe in anymore.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ll be doing next in my life. I think that I should work in the Church again, but not in a pastoral role. I don’t think I was ever called to be a pastor, I think I was called to be an advocate. I recently listened to “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller, and in this book she talks about the YWCA advocates that were with her during her trial. I think that’s the kind of work I want to do. I want to stand with people in the midst of their hardest times, I want to be there to support and help them find the best path for themselves.
I don’t know exactly how to do that. There’s not exactly a college that prepares you to be an advocate. But I think going to a seminary is a good start. I want to get my MDiv., even if it is just for me. But I do think it will help me to better understand people.
I don’t know where I’ll be in a few months, but I do hope that I am happy with my choices and that I am able to find a path forward.
I do know this, I’ll probably still be writing to you friend.