Dear Alice,

It’s been a while since my last public (or frankly private) letter, but I feel I should inform you of various things. After I quit my last job, I got hired as an English teacher! My lifelong dream came true, and now I get to teach a bunch of kids to love language as much as I do. Everything should be great, but sadly reality is much more cruel than that.

While I am happy at my job and I do love what I do, I find myself becoming bitter. Not because of my job, but because of the scars left over from my previous occupation. I feel as if I’m just putting patches on my wounds rather than doing the work of healing them.

I find myself, once more, running away. Running away from the pain of all that happened, running from the reality of what I experienced, hiding behind a facade of anger and bitterness. I didn’t want to be bitter, I wanted to be full of grace in my exit, yet I slowly but surely let the bitterness in. Its warm embrace made me feel safe.

In these past few days, I’ve prayed for the bitterness to be replaced by grace, but I realize that it’s more complicated than that. Bitterness is not something you can just replace, it must be healed. The funny thing is, I seem to not want to heal.

My heart isn’t ready to forgive. My body still holds on to the anger like a sword. The pit inside consumes more and more, but I just can’t seem to close it.

I should probably tell my therapist these things. I know he’ll have some insight. But I desperately want to talk to a pastor, or someone in the faith that understands my pain and my struggle. There isn’t exactly an “evangelicals anonymous” where we can gather and heal from our past. I wish there was.

I’m trying to work on my healing. I don’t really know where to begin. Perhaps I should start by letting go of the pain. Letting go of all the things that happened, just so my soul has a chance to reset while my body begins to heal.

I wish someone would guide me in that journey.



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