Life after getting fired is strange. I find myself waking up at odd times and going to bed at even odder times. The benefits of having a routine of a job and a place to go to every day are now gone, and I’m finding myself devoid of things to do with all this free time.
Sure, I can apply for jobs, find places to volunteer, and do so many other things, but the sheer number of things to do is overwhelming. I think there’s something to having too many options that just makes my mind wander. I used to have everything set out. I was the kind of person who planned their days in advance in order to be as organized as possible. Now, I’m lucky if I even look at my planner(s) for more than two seconds.
I’d like to think that this rut I find myself in is just some growth opportunity waiting to happen, but honestly, I find it hard to muster up that level of optimism. Where do I grow from here? How do I get out of this? Why do I have to grow out of this situation?
I find myself wanting to just be rather than do. I spent too much of my life focusing on doing great things, on changing the world, on saving souls and healing hearts. Now I just want to exist in this world. Sure, that’s becoming increasingly hard to do, but I find it funny that some people get their happiness from tearing people down. I want to be the kind of person that builds people up rather than tearing them down. But I think it’s more important for me to focus on myself for a while.
Still, I can’t seem to disconnect myself from other people enough to find my own way. I mean, I spent so much time working and existing in places where I was always second place and everything and everyone else was priority, I guess I just don’t know how to prioritize myself.
I wish I could talk to my therapist about this, but the lack of health insurance makes it so that I can’t talk to him. I could talk to other people about this, but I think it’s safer to talk to you. You don’t offer many solutions, and that’s the best part. You never have opinions about what I should or shouldn’t do, you just listen and that’s nice.
I think I’ll just have to bump around my life until I find a steady path. I thought I found it already, but I guess it was just a rest period before continuing on with the regular bumpy ride. Maybe the seas will smooth out soon. Hopefully, I make it out with most of my pieces still intact.